Come see my webcam

Hey all, I set up a webcam dealy. Yes, you can watch it for free whenever I'm on. But you can also choose to pay me and see, well, more dirty things....

Anyway, come see me!!!

(I'm on it right now!!)

I'm lying on my bed, nothing but a thong on. My dick is hard because I've been looking at pics of naked guys.

I wish there was a guy with me now, in the bed. Naked. I'd be stroking his cock instead of typing this.

I haven't been around in a while.
So I got some new clothes ... (wink)

So I've only messed around with a couple guys, here and there ... totally random stuff. This one guy when I was away at school. A friend of mine in high school. This guy who came up to me in the bathroom at a bar and struck up a conversation, asked if he could look...

I'm just not... I don't know, but the result is I never act on this side of my lusts.

Not in the real world anyway.

Which is why my cam's become so important to me the last year or so.
And I've discovered that I like to be watched, maybe as much as or more than I like actually being with someone. It makes me feel wonderful and sexy to know somebody, some total stranger even, is watching me undress and touch myself, and that that person is masturbating to it. That he's (or she's) imagining doing things to me, things he (or she) can't do because I'm only an image on their computer screen.

It's like being a porn star.

But in the end, I'm still just by myself, sitting here or lying here and eventually finishing myself off ... because I was only an image on the computer screen. I'm always left wanting more.

I tried phone a couple times, but I hated it. No good, trying to hold the phone to my ear ... besides, the kinds of people one meets on the internet are rarely entertaining for long. Often, they bore me.

When they want me to do all the talking, or all the typing, that bores me too. Heh. Guess I'm selfish, just wanting to take my clothes off so someone can jerk off watching. Silly me.

If I wasn't just an image on the screen ... I wonder. Would I still just want to take my clothes off while someone watched me and jerked off? Let him come on me, but never touch me?

...Or would I be unable to resist?

*sigh*

what should i write here?

I won't give my name.
It begins with L.

You may call me Mary, if you like. It's the name I use sometimes when I dress up.

It's a shame that I grew up when and where I did. But when and where would it not have been a shame?

I am a twentysomething male, bisexual -- and I lust for both genders equally. I like to dress like a girl from time to time. It makes me feel sexy. That's all I really want... to feel sexy. to be wanted.

I've gone in chat rooms in the past. Gotten on the webcam and peeled off my panties while some stranger jerked off to me. I liked it, because it made me feel sexy and wanted. But after, of course, I felt dirty.

Is it because it was dirty, or because of the way I was raised? Was it shame I felt? Or was it only used?

I want to meet people who understand. who care, or don't care.
I want to meet people in far-off places who'll never know who I am. Then I'll feel comfortable.
I want to meet people nearby who'll want to know who I am. Then, maybe, I'll feel comfortable?

This journal, it'll mostly be about my ... well, what my family and everyone i grew up around would call my perversion, I guess, my abnormality! I'll post about crossdressing. i'll post my fantasies. i'll post my angst. i'll post pictures of myself dressed up, or not dressed at all ...
--- but never will you see my face!! ----

I probably won't post all that much about the normal parts of my life, but they are there.
I get up and go to work every day. I listen to music, and go to movies. I have friends (and they know nothing about my SECRET). I read books and magazines and watch TV shows and have a life like any other.
That's something i'm comfortable sharing, and I do share it with everyone I know.

This journal's about what I'm not comfortable sharing ... but want to be.

hopefully this journal will help me.